1/01/2024
My year isn't off to a great start, to be honest. My mental health has been abysmal over the last few weeks and NYE wasn't an exception. I was able to see the BBL cricket, which I enjoyed (even though Adelaide lost). I was stressing because I didn't realise the cricket didn't go until midnight, and I didn't know what to do for the actual midnight part of the night since I really wanted to be out. I had 2 choices of places to go; one friends party where a few of my other mates would be there but I would be sleeping over in a sleeping bag in an unfamilliar house on short notice, or another friends party which my bf was at, the only catch being it was hosted by the guy I went out with for approximately one month when I was 14ish and still have a slightly awkward frindship with after a falling out. As it turns out, we got home from the cricket at like 11:40pm anyway andd I didn't have time to make it to either event, so I stayed home without telling anybody.
I then proceeded to make the worst decision ever out of FOMO and feeling like I had to be some sort of intoxicated for the new years like the rest of my peers. I went over to the park across the road from my house, sat in a bush, and lit up a cone. By this point I had missed the fireworks with my family and they had gone back inside to bed. The weed ended up being extremely unpleasant and I have never been so horrified as I was sitting alone in a pitch black park at 1 in the morning absolutely geeking. I did shrooms about a month ago, and now everytime I smoke the feeling comes back a bit and unless I'm with friends and in a good headspace its super bad. My memory is a bit foggy but I felt like my mum was watching me from the window of our house and that she knew what I was doing. A car drove past and I swear they slowed down to take a photo of me. I packed up really quickly and left but I was extremely disoriented and felt like the cold air outside was burning my skin. I walked into the house and tried to play it off to my mum joking that I hadn't seen her since last year, but unexpectedly she got out of bed to hug me and I was so scared she would smell me I just ran into the toilet and said I had to pee. I felt so guilty. I had a shower and went to bed but I felt absolutely miserable and afraid so I hid under my covers and cried. When I woke up this morning it felt like one of those surreal bad dreams you wake up from relieved that it didn't happen, but it did happen. I dreamed about being a young child, and I swear I remembered a bunch of stuff that I thought I had forgotten, I also dreamed that my mum found out and she cried and it was my fualt.
Today I still felt super bad. Even though I took my meds I just can't get away from this overwhelming sense of fear and dread. I felt like something bad was going to happen to my family and I felt like I was a little kid and all I wanted to do was hug my mum. My boyfriend came over but he had to leave early because my brain was so bad I just felt like I had to be alone. At least we still got to cuddle and nap for a solid 5 hours though, we also watched ENDZONE on youtube which I really like.
Thats the other problem, sometimes it feels like I hate myself so much and I'm such a bad person that compliments overwhelm me with emotion and I feel loved but then I start to physically hurt like my heart is being squeezed because I sincerely feel like I don't deserve to be loved and what they're saying isn't true and I've just manipulated them into thinking I'm a valuable person. My bf tells me all the time how much he loves me even despite my flaws and that I make him happy and that I'm beautiful and all I can do is ugly cry an curl up into him. I wish there were words for how important he is to me but I don't think I could ever verbally describe it. I feel angry with myself that somebody finally is showing me unconditional love, and my body is rejecting it. I love him and I wan't my body to be able to accept his love in return. I know it sounds incredibly cringe and very soppy, but I need it out of my system and into the open or I won't ever be able to confront and deal with it.
I've also felt bummed out today because I keep seeing all these fun looking parties pop up on my social media and I feel jelous. I also feel like I dissapointed my bf and my friends, and I justy generally feel like a terrible person. I spent my afternoon playing Red Dead Redemption 2 which takes my mind off things a bit, and I also ate a good dinner but I still feel dirty.
I know this doesn't necessarily define what my year would be like, Jess told me that when things feel like they're at rock bottom, they can only get better. I would like to believe this for the future. I hope tomorrow is better.
2/01/2024
Today was a bit better, I doubled my meds and it kind of helped? I've also been eating sour lollies as a coping strategy for thoughts of self harm which seems to be working ok :) Today I tried to be a bit more productive, so I started a new resume so I can hopefully get a second job at the new Gelato shop opening near my house! I also finished my driving hours, and went to the gym so I'm satisfied with my productivity today. I even got some time to play a bit of tf2 and be a certified pybro for megascatterbomb and I nearly topscored so thats neat too! I'm going to Japan in 10 (basically 9) days and I'm super excited! I hope the change of scenery brightens my outlook on life a bit. I cant help but worry about the earthquakes though, I hope the people in the affected areas are safe.
3/01/2024
Today I accidentally slept in until midday, so I missed out on going swimming and to the cafe, but It's okay because I still got up in time to go shopping! I went through the second hand section of EBgames and bought Wofenstein 2 and Fallout 4 for $9 which is awesome. My brother and I also bought new school shoes. It's pretty fun just walking around the shops listening to music, and I actually felt mildly confident in myself which was nice! It felt weird to tell the guy in the shoe shop that I'm starting year 12 soon, because I feel like I should still be going into year 9 or something. I'm nervous about turning 18, but I'm sure I will make my way. I'll be able to do the stuff I was already doing at the creek with my friends but legally (yay). I'm also probably going to call customer service for my PC, because I only bought it recently, but I'm running into problems with the USB ports, crashes, and the tower heating up really fast. I'm sure it can be fixed though. Almost 8 days until Japan!
4/01/2024
Today I tried to just relax as much as I could. I drank a herbal tea last night and woke up at a reasonable time feeling pretty refreshed! Getting out of bed was a bit hard, especially because I think I overdid it with the deadlifts at the gym the other day, but I was fine in the end. I mostly played tf2, and a bit of fallout new vegas which was really awesome! I tried to be productive as well by washing the dishes and cleaning my room a bit since it was pretty filthy. I feel a lot better about it now. My favourite mug broke, but Finn said I should sand the sides down and turn it into a plant pot which I think is a good idea! In the evening I went to work. I really like working because I enjoy my job (which is stacking shelves at the grocery store), and it makes me feel fulfilled like I'm helping someone and I'm not a waste of space or whatever. Plus I earn money! I'm trying to save up as much as I can so I can spoil my friends with gifts when I'm back from Japan :) Today my workmate told me she spent $200 on coke and didn't sleep for 3 days. She said I should try too but to be honest I'm satisfied just smoking weed. She told me she wanted to try shrooms so I gave her the details of my guy which I think they both appreciated.
I like being able to record my thoughts in a format like this, it feels a lot more personal, and I can kind of rest easy knowing I can get things off my chest somewhere that feels like the void. Watching the numbers go up on the site traffic stats makes me a little nervous about being judged, but it also makes me feel like I'm not alone. So, if you're reading this, we're in this together!! ^^ When I feel scared about what people think of me, I remember this is my outlet to spill my guts, and at the end of the day nobody else really cares, so I should care less too. I'm not perfect and that's okay!
5/01/24
I'm very tired as I'm writing this, because I didn't sleep well last night, so this entry might be a little short. Today was pretty good except for a few things! I woke up earlyish to catch the bus to the plaza to meet with my friend, but my bus broke down at the stop so I waited another 20 minutes and caught the next! It was so HOT outside today, but I finally got to the interchange and met with my friend. We sat down at a bench on a sidestreet by the creek and I swapped my last bit of weed for a few cigarettes because I didn't want it anymore after New Years. We had a cigarette together, which I really enjoyed because I had felt like one for ages and I got to spend time outside talking to one of my best friends. We bought drinks and snacks from the shops then went our seperate ways after a good chat. At home my younger brother had a bunch of friends over for his birthday and they watched Saltburn. He's 14 now, isn't that scary? The group was pretty noisy, so I kind of retreated to the quiet of my room and played tf2 (which if you haven't already guessed, is my favourite game :3). Then I went to work after a chat with my brothers friends. I saw another friend at work and we talked about the gig we're all going to tomorrow night, I also encountered a kind of rude customer, but I guess that isn't uncommon. Sometimes I think I think too much, so this year my goal is to win the idgaf war i guess! Stop caring about other people's percieved versions of me, although I do kind of wish my face was more symetrical ^^;
6/01/24
As I'm writing this its actually the 7th but that doesn't matter!! anyways, on Saturday it was my brothers 14th birthday!! There was a huge thunderstorm in the morning, even though it's summer. I also woke up with the most excruciating, gut wrenching, nauseating period pain that my doctor suspects is probably endometriosis but it was undetectable via ultrasound because I have a retroverted uterus. We went to the Fox and Firkin for a family lunch, which was nice because I love the English pub vibe in there plus they do really good beers. I won't talk about it much more than that though because I still feel really sick. Then I layed in bed in the afternoon and worked on an animation a bit for Newgrounds :)
For his birthday, I bought my bro and I a ticket for a local gig that one of my mates was playing at. I really wanted to go so I took a bunch of painkillers and successfully thugged out the pain. I saw a lot of my friends there! More and more people I knew kept showing up and by the time doors opened there were maybe 15 of us all standing there. All the supporting bands were really good, especially Fangirl, who are all the way from Melbourne! Eventually it was time for my friends band to go on, since it was their EP launch. They ran a merch raffle and i won! I have to admit that I cried a lot during their set. I don't really know why. Maybe it was because of my period and all the hormones, but something about their music really resonates with me and makes me feel peaceful and at home. I could never tell my friend that, though, I'd be to embarrassed ^^;
I'm gonna embed one of their songs here! You should totally give it a listen.
7/01/2024 - 11/01/2024
Ughh I haven't updated in a few days, I don't really have an excuse other than that I haven't been bothered but I guess there's no pressure. Here's a quick little recap of the last few days! On the 7th I was going to go and see ben, but I was in a lot of pain so he suggested I stay home and he come to visit me instead. He came over and watched some skyrim videos with me which was fun, and we decided we'd swap some game discs with each other! Then my brother had a bunch of friends over again so he promptly evacuated. On Monday I went into th city and caught up with Sam and Ash which was super fun! Then we met up with Kitty as well. We bought a bunch of Peach Riot blindboxes in an attempt to complete the full set, but we didn't succeed. Then we walked to the Hindley Street metro convenience to ask if we could film some of Ash's short film there! On Tuesday, I made a phone appointment to get my acrylic nails removed as they were getting a bit long and one of them broke, and on the way home I had a cigarette then I went to the gym. Yesterday kinda sucked because I felt really non, but I had work which was a positive. I tried to play tf2 when I got home but the item servers were down!! Stock loadout gaming like it's 2007. Today I have been packing for Japan because we leave tomorrow, the item servers on tf2 are still down which is a little frustrating. I have work tonight as well!