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Today was my boyfriend's 18th birthday. I also had a psychiatrist appointment this morning from which I went straight to my bf's house! The appointment was a bit average, it was a very long hour of sitting in a silent room only to be told I'm depresseed and disconnected, and to discuss the effects of the seroquel I've been put on. I find it very hard to describe how I feel to be honest, because like my psych and I discussed, my good and bad feelings feel disconnected from one another and when I feel one way, I can't relate to or remember feeling the other (or something). Today in iteslf was good, I spent time with my bf and had dinner out with him and his family, and then we sat in his living room and watched some short films about Woomera's rocket field. I didn't drink, but to be honest I don't feel inclined to, because I effetively spent my entire weekend drinking for one reason or another, but I just can't seem to get drunk like before? Anyway, I love my bf very dearly but I have a lot of complex emotions about my own self worth, and feeling like I 'deserve' to be loved. I'm not sure how to put it into words, but I guess I'll figure it out. My bf is coming over tomorrow, I hope I can keep feeling content, even if the feeling is a bit dull, it's somewhat fulfilling and far optimal in comparison to feeling like a 'husk'. I want to feel good and I want to appreciate feeling good, but there's a little bit of me that I must admit is afraid, because as much as letting myself marinate in my poor mental states makes me want to kms a bit, I find a weird sort of comfort in it and cant seem to maintain a healthy frame of mind for long periods of time. At least christmas is coming up soon, I've gone halves with my parents (I have a lot to say about them, but I will in another entry, maybe) for a PC, and I cant wait to play my favourite games :) (positivity!!) In addition, my psych told me to take a few things away today, one being to literally talk to myself, and the other being to, for gods sake, stop internalising anger. Talk to people, resolve problems. Its making me realise that maybe there are a lot of people I am very angry at, but whether I'm justified in thinking that way or not, I'm not sure. tl;dr for today, I love my bf. a lot <3.
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Today was pretty nice as well, actually! My bf came over again today, and we played it takes two (we're really good at it hehe). I love spending time with him! I also went to work, which was fairly busy, it being a nightfill job in a supermarket in the leadup to Christmas. While I'm working I always have the opportunity to ponder a lot of things, but I often overthink the future and what I want to do when I leave school. my bf wants to move into an apartment which sounds awesome, but at the same time, I don't know if I want to settle down the moment I finish year 12. I definetely want to travel and try new things too! there's also the whiny part of me that doesn't want to live in the city as someone who prefers to be in the country, but I know I shouldn't complain. beggars cant be choosers i guess, especially not with the current price of houses (sweat). I have no idea what I want to do for a career, it's between something visual arts related, or defence (like the rest of my family). thats something else i might delve into another day perhaps!
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Today was eventful, to say the least.